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A Dire Dilemma

My heart sinks to my gut knowing I'm stranded in the worst of all lands. I thought no situation would surpass the time I woke in the White Rat's Nest with my pants around my ankles, but this one has. I crawl away from the shade of the pulsating lifestone and collapse in the sun, the warm rays baking urine, excrement, and bile into my clothes.
I need to make it out of here still carrying my death item, the gromnie hide pauldrons, but how?

I fish out a blade from deep within a pocket and run my finger across its inscription. A long time ago I begged a wise man to identify my weapon and note it's attributes on the handle.


1-3, slashing/piercing
speed slow (60)
practice knife
Get a life!
-Tim the Enchanter


Get a life...the only life this handsome blade has gotten was the cow or an occasional rabbit. But I see now I must use it to fight my way out of the Direlands. After all, I have achieved the level of 35, a master cook and lockpick...the Dires shall...no WILL be a cakewalk for me. I pull myself back up to my feet and lean up against the lifestone.

Soon a young lady runs from the distance to the lifestone and tunes her soul to it. "Excuse me young sultry wench, could you point me to the nearest route to Holtburg? I am here by folly and need to return to my cow, wine and vassal, Jiggles McMankleman."

"Who you calling a wench, you lazy eyed, rotten toothed, hunched over, cripple! And god, you smell like the alleys of Teth!"

Teth sounded like the place for me to begin, and since I have captured the heart and attention of this young maiden, I knew I would be home soon. "Tell me then, my chesty tart. How may I find this Teth?"

"Chesty WHAT?!? Find it yourself, you freaky little gimp!" Oh, she had a fire that lusted for me, but I must stick to the task at hand. The lovely child stormed off beyond a knoll and out of sight. Wonderful, she will lead me there!
I pull my wits together, ready my trusty blade and head towards the knoll to follow my young savior. As I crest the small hill, I notice a cloud of dust and a scuffle in the distance. I cup one grimy hand over my failing eye so I don't handicap my vision and peer towards the battle. There I see another drudge, skin blackened by the desert sun, battling the fair goddess. She is doing everything to parry the beast's attacks and striking back with a large mace. Blood courses through my body and I feel all 3 nipples harden with excitement as I charge to the aid of this mace beauty.

300 yards of fast paced hobbling and I finally reach the battle. The deathblow of a well-placed mace swing sends the drudge down just as I poke my knife into the fleshy arm of this foul creature. My shining blade piercing the dark skin and a trickle of ruddy blood leaks from the entrance wound. The drudge finishes his fall to the earth with a sick thud. I look at my knife, then at the lifeless body before me, then up at the angered lady.

"No need for thanks, my silky jezebel. Your heaving breasts tell me all I need to know."

"God, you are disgusting! Teth is over that next ridge, please you horrid man, please leave me alone!"

"I know there is no time for what you have in mind, I must make haste to Teth. But if you're ever in Holtburg and want to uh, hehe, nibble on the best steak in Dereth, come see me at the cow pen."

Without waiting for her long, drawn out, and most likely deeply saddened good-byes, I stumble to this place called Teth!


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