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Riding the Bull to Freedom

The golden knight stands over my collapsed body with a look of disgust and pity. He turns to the ledge to jump into it's depths, when a voice comes from behind him, "Hey, you a PK?"

"Nay, my lady. He fainted here at the sight of the drop off." The golden knight examines the female. She is dressed in all purple, from head to toe. Her soft looking skin is the only decent distraction from her homely face and nappy hair. She trots up clumsily and stands near my lifeless frame. "What is your name?"


"David? That's a funny name for a girl!"

"I'm a male, sir knight." He says with a certain flare. "And you're quite a specimen."

"Uh, yeah…well I need to move on. Umm…someone in Mayoi is expecting me." And without another word, the flaxen warrior leaps off the ledge and out of sight.

David looks down at my unmoving body, "Well my chubby cherub, let's see how you look naked…"

I'm standing out in a desolate field, not a house or soul in site from any direction. A light breeze dances across the tops of the long grass, bending it slightly with the weight of the wind. This is the calmest and safest I have felt since I left Holtburg a few days ago. About 30 feet behind me a cow spawns. Ah, this is a wondrous place, the dinner is served right to you. I bend over to scoop up a handful of the grass to lure the bovine to my knife. As I am bent over, I can here the hoof falls of the cow as it runs towards me. Still hunched over, I look behind me just in time to notice that this cow has horns, long slender pointy horns. Before I could react, one of these horns penetrates my backside and lifts me up onto the head of the bull. Still perched there with the tusk of this beast rammed into my stool canal, it gallops around the field, bouncing me roughly. After what seems like hours, the bull throws me from my loveseat, and I pass out.

I awaken to a cold splash of water on my face. Coughing and sputtering, I stand up and frantically look for that bull from hell, only then to realize I am still in the dungeon of lich, near the dreadful ledge. Only now a party of adventurers surrounds me.

"What the… Where's the bull? And who the hell threw water on me?"

"The question should be, 'Where's my pants and who sodomized me while I slept?'" The group breaks out in laughter.

I look down at my bare lower half. Immediately I cup my package with one hand and look around frantically for my pants. I see them 10 feet away and run over to them. Man, my ass hurts. If I find that bull, I'm going to run it through and enjoy its flesh! I reach my pants and quickly pull them up. "Could any of you hyenas assist me down this ledge."

"Yeah, I'll buff you up. You shouldn't take too much damage from the fall." The wizard performs a ritual and points his moonstone wand toward me. Instantly I feel the sensation of strength, coordination, and the ability to jump. It felt wonderful, reminding me of my youthful days. "Jump now, we'll follow you right down."

I gather my wits, close my eyes and creep up to the edge. One… two… thr The all too familiar feeling of urine streaming down my leg breaks my concentration. I stand there frozen, unable to move.

"Hurry it up, before you slip in your own urine and fall off the ledge." I still stand there, unable to jump. I hear the sounds of creatures spawning around me and turn to see the lich advancing. The others begin jumping and I know that if I stay, I am dead. I jump.

One bunny hop off the ledge and I feel the wind press against me, the force of gravity pulling me hungrily to the ground below. The impact was colossal, the feeling of every bone shattering in my body. Then, following close behind was a second impact, lesser yet still painful. I lay there on the floor, waiting for the just hand of death to take me away.

"Haha, I've never seen anyone bounce so high!" Laughter emanates around me, followed my more spell casting. I feel my life force returning and I struggle to my feet. Oddly, my ass is the only thing that hurts. "Well, looks like you survived it, tubby." And without a goodbye, the party runs off to the south and disappears into a portal.

I scan the room, a large auditorium with 3-4 portals tucked away along each wall. Directly to the north, I identify the one leading to Holtburg. With a silly squeal, I prance (or as close to a prance as a one-legged lecher can) toward the purple opening that leads to home. Headfirst, I dive into the gateway. Moments later, I am deposited in the cool grass on my belly, a spray of gastric fluids mists my back. I stand up and look down to the familiar buildings that make up Holtburg. Oh, do I have a story to tell at the pub tonight.

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